Unfortunately continuing the negative trend of blog entries.
So about half an hour ago, I ate the equiverlant of a whopping 200 grams of sugar. Short of putting a bullet in my brain, this is quite possibly the worst thing for someone with my health troubles to do. It was fuelled by an insatiable craving, and what were christmas presents for friends soon became presents for the evils populating my gut.
Naturally I'm fuming about it. I've not fallen off the wagon this much for over a year. I stared longingly at the packet for a good few seconds and reminded myself 'you have a choice' but still couldn't control the urge. This is the second time in as many months that I've succumed to eating gifts I'd plan to give to others. The first occasion wasn't quite so severe, gorging 2 agave nector based cocao bars from a health food shop.
And so I feel like I'm back to square one. The challenge has just become even bigger and that mountain is growing at an exponential rate. Darn you nestle for selling addictive garbage!
Trying to think of things more objectively, I can make a connection that isolation and heavy computer use is a significant contributor to addictive traits. As my life was taken away as a result of this illness, I lack any real friendships that are deep and common, i.e. people I can have a chat with or do something with casually, within my limits. As a result away from work I am pretty lonely, with the weekend being the most difficult time.
Where do I go from here? I really don't know. As well as somehow getting back on track nutritionally I really need something to occupy my friday night and weekend that isn't watching films or browsing the web in isolation. The more I do it the more withdrawn I feel and the more likely I am to generate addictive thoughts.
Sorry to post an entry of the 'rant' variety. Getting feelings out there usually helps and if anything the reality of my situation I'm sure can be felt by others.
I could use a miracle.