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Soul Searching

Some personal thoughts I felt compelled to share. Highlights the complexity of emotions and feelings when one has multiple body wide symptoms.

Broadly speaking physically and mentally it kind of feels like the culmination of almost a lifetime of not being 'free', instead being overly sensitive and stimulated by my surroundings that has culminated in a body that simply can't keep up, ahearing to ideologies and unhealthy traits outside of myself that have caused a disharmony that I'm battling to balance. The reliance on sugar and a manifestation of these feelings have left me where I am today, constantly looking for solutions. I've always looked to others to tell me what to do, and feel frustrated that I can't conjure up my own feelings of love, courage, commitment, creativity and joy. I'm stagnent in my ability to experience true happiness. One quick signal from the body, whether it's a sleepless night, a reminder of my slim frame, or 2 days without a bowel movement disipates any positivity I am able to conjure up. Considering the harmonious attachment of mind and body, how can I possibly overcome the body's cries with a mental calmness and stability? Lots of people are out there willing to help me but my barriers are strong, and I relenquish almost all control to them in the hope of a miraculous turnaround. This is how I feel perfectionism manifests. I'm searching for someone or something to tell me 'the right way'.

I feel like I'm chasing a lifestyle or normality and continue to punish myself for being further and further away from that ideology. With each new symptom and or life situation that drags me further from this ideology, the thiner and longer the tightrope wire becomes. I constantly crave feelings of improvement, akin to a sprinter finally getting out his blocks on his way to the finish line as fast as possible. Instead I never feel like I start the race, and self perpetuate running backwards in the opposite direction. Do I have anyone to beat? Only myself.

I'm a smart, good looking, funny, articulate and intelligent young man. My random insights and quick wit make me favourable company when I am in a positive mood and not physically burdaned. I ultimately want to share my life with others on a deeper level but fear what they think of me. I feel I have the potential for true achievement but this translates into a yearning that clouds a level of acceptance for who I am in this second of this minute of this hour. I don't want to play out my life sick, on a computer and stagnant. I want to experience the freshness, stillness and exuberence of mountain biking through a english forest in the mild heat of spring, or once again commanding the defence of my local lacrosse team - not through boisterous volume, aggression, and anger, but instead encouraging and experiencing unity and passion for spending those moment with others, all striving for a common goal. I want to experience the vibrant colours and scenary of some of the most beautiful places in the world such as the blue caribbeans beaches or an african sunset. I want to embrace cultures, particular those where happiness and contenment come from within, not from a society where the size of your paycheck rules.

Almost as instantly as I conjured up those thoughts I'm back in my bed, lying in my dressing gown constipated with a throbbing right side at 4.20pm. Could I have done more today regardless? yes.